"Please, don't give up the magic of the sand and seafoam on your toes and the sound of crashing waves, or the smile it brings when you dive under the water and come up refreshed, for a lie"
When I was younger, I used to love the sea so much...I live in a city near the sea, beautiful beaches within walking distance, and I used to go there everytime the weather was good in summer....Since I saw 'The Little Mermaid', I hope I could be a mermaid too...So I trained myself to feel more confortable in the water, like I was born in it...I tried to hold my breath more and more, to have a better vision to see things surrounding me...to feel my wrinkly fingers, my salty and curly hair floating in the sea waves, sticking my legs together like I had a fishtail and swimming this way...I used to like the feeling of belonging to another world, and forgetting everything for a moment, forgetting I lived on this sad planet, where everybody was always in a hurry, always complaining for meaningless things....
But now it's almost been 6 years that I haven't gone to the sea...because of what? my awful body Yeah I can't explain it in other words. Because of marks all over my body, I feel like a monster...it may sounds crazy, but even you can't feel it when you touch these marks, you notice nothing but this, these f*cking marks from the bottom of my stomack to the the top of my neck....these marks that ruined all my summers for five years....because when you see it, you'll probably think I'm sick, and that I'm repulsive, and it's what it is, except that I'm not sick, just unlucky....it's not aesthetic at all, for God's sake ! it's normal that people would say something about it, but they always try to tell me to think positive about it, but it's easier to say it when it's not them who are affected!
In a way, I just feel nastiness in their words, like they tell me to be natural, with my ugliness, so they could feel more beautiful next to me, to reassure themselves that there's worse than them....than I'm uglier than them... I've never pretended to be beautiful, because I know the real me underneath these clothes, and some of them know that too, but still pretend I'm pretty...I may be naive, but not stupid !!! nobody had the choice to be born this way, so of course, with some standards, we can say if someone is beautiful or not. For me everybody has its way to be beautiful, even with scars, without hair, with acne, it's just a matter of time before these people realize it. But when it's about me, if there's something I hate, it's saying something about me that's not even true !!!
So since the moment I got these marks, I didn't allowed me to fall in love, to go to the beaches, to go wherever I wanted, to not wear make-up, but like I once said on this blog, it's not that I don't love me, it's just other ppl's eyes that pierce me so fiercely with their curiosity, their need of self-esteem, their lies, that I can't accept myself in front of others...while if I'm alone, I don't care how I look.
I miss sea and beaches, and it wouldn't bother me to go there on my own, with nobody around...
I promise myself I'll got there, once my acne problem is resolved... just to feel again the seafoam, and the sound of waves crashing on my back, and swimming deep in the sea to remind me that my body may not be the one that I want, but yet the one that keeps me alive.